The best conversations happen during car rides...

I went shopping with one of my friends a few days ago, and as we were driving around looking for stores that would have the things that we were looking for we were able to just talk. Both of us came into college pretty sure that we knew what we were gonna do with our lives, and what majors we should be to accomplish that. Now that our sophomore year has rolled around, it feels like someone yanked the rug out from beneath our feet and we are now in free fall. We don't know what we want to do, or how to accomplish it. It is so disorienting after having been so sure for so long. Her comment was that it is so tempting to curl up in a ball and wait for someone to put something else under her to stop the falling. The only problem is, this is our life. We are now the ones responsible to find something to base our lives on. And the discovery that we have no idea what we are doing makes it terrifying.

It is so weird. I knew for most of my life that I want to be a doctor. Then I started getting a bit closer, and started to see more clearly what it will require of me. Quite honestly, a large part of me says it is not worth that much of my life. I actually want to have a life, not spend most of it inside a hospital or med school. I am confidant that I will survive college, but another six years of mad crazy deadlines and really ridiculously hard work does not sound like something that I am gonna be interested in. I want to get out there an get my hands dirty making a difference while I still am alive enough to do it. Quite honestly, I am not even sure that medicine is the difference I want to make in the world. There are so many other ways to change the world. I have spent so much of my life watching the kids around me destroy their lives, and I have been powerless to do anything about it. I hate the thought of living the rest of my life in that same position of watching the unbearable. I want to save even just a few of the kids who are headed for destruction. I have no clue, however, how on earth I am supposed to do that. I have no idea what God wants of me, and what he wants me to do to equip for it. And I hate that. I desperately want the reassurance of knowing where I am going, what I am doing, and what the end result is supposed to be. This whole navigating blind thing is not fun. Yet in the midst of the chaos I know that God does have a plan for me and for my life, and even for this time of blindness. Though right now I see through a glass darkely, I know my God sees my life clearly. I just have to trust him, even though it is hard right now.