Friday, May 23, 2008

Bah! Humbug!

I hate endings. I know that if nothing ever ends, there can be no new beginnings, and we would miss so much, but be that as it may, I hate endings like the plague. Maybe it is just that I am so very tired from the last big push of the semester, but the end of this semester seems so much harder than last year. Saying goodbye to my friends is so much more heartrending than it was last year. I have the comfort of knowing that I will see them again, but...that won't be for a while, and in the meantime, my life gets turned upside down and shaken. A rather extremely unpleasant feeling if I do say so myself, and much more so now that I am no longer used to it. When I was younger, I got quite good at dealing with moving all the time, at learning to attach and unattach and reattach and unattach myself to people and places. I was very adept at making my home where ever I was, or where ever I happened to have left my stuff, or where ever the people I cared about were. But now, well, I'm out of practice. I've gotten used to being here, used to being with this set of people, used to caring deeply about these people. Ripping myself away hurts. A lot. And this is different. I'm not leaving people behind, I am being left behind. I know I'm coming back, but last year taught me that it will never be the same. It isn't like when I was a kid and we were simply yo-yo's going back and forth between homes and people often enough that whatever changes there were were gradual. No, when we come back in the fall, we won't be the same, and it will take us an entire semester, give or take a bit, to get to know each other again. The friendships we have now may be better, may be worse in the future, but they will never be just what they are now, and they will have to be rebuilt after this separation. Somehow, this ending leaves me feeling lost, and feeling that I lost something that I didn't know how much to treasure until it was gone. As each of my friends leave, they take a piece of my heart with them, and as I drive away tomorrow, I will leave a piece of my heart behind. Having pieces ripped out of one's heart and scattered far and wide is rather unpleasant. I hate endings, or at least...I hate this one.